


The Reason I'm Alone

by bossy



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Blowjobs, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Soft Kylux, Sub Hux, Switch Hux, past benarmie, switch kylo ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:14:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bossy/pseuds/bossy
Summary: Hux thinks that Kylo Ren killed Hux's past boyfriend, Ben Solo, and deals with his growing attraction to Kylo Ren.He thinks about Ben late at night when he is staring up at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable with Millicent sprawled out across his chest. Nights like that, he feels like he’s standing on the edge of some gnawing chasm of loneliness, deep as the void between the stars, that only Ben can fill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter itself isn't explicit, but the story will become explicit eventually (with no explicit underage material).
> 
> This is an AU where Hux and Ren are the same age.

General Hux always dreams the same dream. It’s a bittersweet sort of dream.

In the dream, he has the long and lanky body of a fifteen-year old boy, and he is lying cramped in a twin bed with a boy whose body is even more awkward than his. They are pressed together, forehead to forehead, his arm over the boy’s back, breathing slow and tired breaths.

“I love you,” the boy breathes, voice catching, squeezing Hux’s hand as his eyelashes flutter closed.

“Shut up,” Hux says, and nuzzles his nose against the boy’s.

The boy pulls him closer. He is warm, and safe, and loved, and everything is right with the world.

Hux wakes up cold and alone, and remembers that he is 34 and single, and that the boy in his dream is long dead. The boy was training to become a Jedi, so of course Kylo Ren murdered him without a second thought. His name was Ben, and he is General Hux’s best kept secret.

He thinks about Ben more than he should, given that the boy is unquestionably dead. He thinks about Ben late at night when he is staring up at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable with Millicent sprawled out across his chest. Nights like that, he feels like he’s standing on the edge of some gnawing chasm of loneliness, deep as the void between the stars, that only Ben can fill.

Hux can deal with it, in the daytime. In the daytime, he is competent, and cruel, and efficient, with absolutely no room in his heart for feelings for anyone, nonetheless some phantom Jedi from his past.

“The plans are nearing completion. We need to turn our focus to locating a suitable planet,” Hux is saying as the entire room pays rapt attention.

Really, the absolute power he has in the daytime helps him feel less lost. The sort of man who enjoys pacing the halls in his shined boots and immaculate uniform, instilling fear in his subordinates with every loud step, isn’t even the type of man who’s capable of love.

Today Hux feels relaxed, for once, finally, no stray thoughts of Ben lingering in the back of his mind. He’s spent months poring over the details of Starkiller Base, and now all that’s left to do is to actually build the damn thing. It’s a massive weight off his shoulders.

Of course, Kylo Ren has to show up then to ruin his peace. Ren comes lumbering onto the bridge like some drunkard as he runs up to Hux.

Everyone stops what they’re doing, staring openly. Lieutenant Mitaka drops his datapad, and it clatters to the floor. Hux sighs, rubbing his temples, feeling a migraine coming on.

“I need to talk to the general in private,” Ren announces loudly.

“I’m busy, Ren. You can say what you want to say here,” Hux says.

Ren steps closer then, leans in to Hux.

“We’ve found the droid that has the map to Luke Skywalker,” Ren says.

“And?” Hux asks, unimpressed.

Finding Luke Skywalker is Ren’s personal mission; creating Starkiller Base is Hux’s. He doesn’t see why Ren feels the need to involve Hux in his quest, when Hux doesn’t involve Ren in his. And Hux, of course, has any number of better things to do than indulge Kylo Ren, the man who killed the only person he’s ever loved.

It’s safe to say that yes, Hux is carrying a grudge. Hux absolutely lets his feelings about Ben dictate the way he treats Kylo Ren. Antagonizing Ren is the only sort of revenge Hux is ever going to get, so he might as well get a lot of it.

“It’s in the hands of a Resistance pilot,” Kylo Ren continues, ignoring Hux’s blatant contempt for the subject matter. “He’s in the midst of bringing it to the Resistance, but we don’t know where he is exactly. Finding the pilot should be our highest priority.”

Hux eyes him skeptically, eyes narrowing. He is not in the mood for this. He is rarely in the mood for Kylo Ren, of course.

“I realize you think you’re important, with your ridiculous helmet and your claims of being able to move things with your mind, but I have authority here. I know exactly what our highest priority is,” Hux says.

Kylo Ren looms closer still, lowering his voice.

“A new wave of Jedi would be a greater danger than you can imagine. Finding the pilot is much more important than fueling your bloated ego by building some glorified Death Star… general.”

This man certainly knows how to push Hux’s buttons. All Hux’s critics have called Starkiller Base little more than a Death Star; they don’t see the beauty or the power of it. And the way Kylo Ren mocks Hux’s position and title is too much. He didn’t come all this way not to be respected for the rank he’s attained.

“It’s not a Death Star,” Hux spits, “And how would you know? Last time I checked, you weren’t Darth Vader. Pity; he was eons more competent than you are.”

Hux expects another nasty comment. He doesn’t expect a shocked silence, as if he has actually wounded the man simply by stating the obvious.

“Let’s take this to the Supreme Leader,” Kylo Ren says, after a pause. “You’ll be suprised to find that he sides with me.”

“Well, you are his pet,” Hux tells his retreating figure.

He gets no response.

Things start to go back to normal, then; Mitaka picks up his datapad from the ground. The rest of the meeting goes without incident. 

But after the meeting is over, and the bridge is almost empty, Captain Phasma pulls Hux aside.

“He seemed actually hurt by that Vader comment. So he does have feelings,” she murmurs.

“I can’t imagine he’s that hurt,” Hux says. “He has to know someone like him will never have Vader’s impact.”

Phasma puts a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re not going to take this well, and I can barely believe I’m saying this, but I think you should apologize,” Phasma tells him.

“To Ren? I’ll apologize when he does,” Hux says, laughing derisively. “He told me Starkiller Base was another Death Star. I didn’t say anything half as damaging.”

Phasma looks around the bridge, then lowers her modulated voice even further.

“Still, I think you may have finally found an issue that really bothers him – that he’s not like Vader. You can use this to your advantage, you know. You can use his fears to control him.”

“That doesn’t mean I owe him an apology,” Hux says. “Far from it. He’s the one who had his mind set on ruining my day.”

“Trust me, Hux: I’ve had to work with my share of difficult people, too. He’ll be easier to work with if he thinks you respect his basic humanity in some way, shape, or form.”

“Is he really human, though?” Hux asks. “We have no idea what he looks like underneath that mask. I’d imagine he’s some sort of eldritch monstrosity. Yellow eyes, scaly skin, tentacles.”

Phasma snorts out a laugh.

“Probably,” she admits. “Well, I don’t know about the tentacles. But no matter how hideous he is, you at least owe him the respect of playing fair. Or, in your case, making him think you play fair. And that means apologizing for taking things too far.”

“I didn’t take things too far,” Hux says, aggravated. “I just told him the truth. Trust me: I could have been much, much worse.”

“Still, think about it,” Phasma says as she turns away from him.

Hux sighs.

* * *

Hux does think about it. Apologizing, and to Kylo Ren, of all people, is the last thing he wants to do. But Phasma was right: he will have to deal with Kylo Ren with for a long time, and maybe Hux’s apology will mean something to him. Maybe he’ll start to empathize with Hux, and agree with his stance on things. Maybe Hux can use this to turn the conversation around, and get his way for once.

Hux is reaching, yes, but all the same, he finds himself outside Kylo Ren’s suite at 21:00 that night. His throat is dry; he’s uncharacteristically nervous about this. Probably because he’s voluntarily walking into a situation that, based on his history with Ren, is likely to turn very volatile.

He raps on the door, three times, hard.

“Yes? Uh, hello?”

The voice from inside sounds surprised, and shockingly human. Shockingly young. Does Kylo Ren have someone in there with him, or does that low voice belong to him?

“It’s General Hux,” Hux says, through the door. “I wanted to talk to Kylo Ren.”

“Just a minute,” the voice says.

There is the sound of scuffling. Hux waits, and in a minute Kylo Ren opens the door, but he’s not the Kylo Ren Hux is expecting.

He has his helmet on, but other than that, the only clothing he is wearing is a pair of black athletic shorts. And really, with a body like that, he has absolutely no need to wear any other clothing. Kylo Ren is made of sturdy pecs, six-pack abs, and toned limbs, all of his body glistening with a sheen of sweat. Hux is inordinately surprised.

Hux clears his throat.

“Sorry,” Kylo Ren says, his voice modulated again. “I was training. I don’t get many visitors.”

“It’s understandable,” Hux says, trying not to stare. “I – I wanted to talk about what happened this afternoon.”

“Come in,” Kylo Ren says, beckoning with a large hand.

Ren turns and presents him with a view of his muscled back and shoulders. Hux finds himself watching the way the fabric of his shorts stretches over his ass as he walks. He swallows as he follows Ren into his quarters, beginning to feel that he is in over his head.

Hux isn’t sure what he was expecting from Ren’s quarters, but they turn out to be as sparse and plain as Hux’s own – well, mostly. Hux spies the gnarled helmet of Darth Vader, and swallows, assuming that if Vader is this important to Ren, what Hux said to him must have been especially offensive.

Other than that, Ren’s quarters reveal very little about who Kylo Ren is, other than the cold, aggressive killing machine that Hux knows him to be. The cold, aggressive killing machine that apparently has an amazing body. 

“You still don’t understand the value Skywalker has,” Kylo Ren says, talking fast. “If we find him, we’ll have the Resistance in our hands. We’ll – ”

“Stop,” Hux says. “I’m here to apologize.”

“I’m not in the mood for my time to be wasted with tricks, general,” Kylo Ren says.

Kylo Ren walks closer then, slowly, threateningly.

“It wasn’t fair of me to compare you to Vader,” Hux says, looking up at Kylo Ren. “As much as I abhor you force users, the two of you are in entirely separate categories.”

Kylo Ren laughs, and steps closer again, forcing Hux to back up against the wall.

“What are you trying to obtain here, general?” Kylo Ren asks. “I’m not going to change my mind.”

“I’m not asking you to change your damn mind,” Hux says, raising his voice. “I’m telling you that I did something wrong. Obviously, this whole thing was a bad idea.”

“I know you better than you think,” Kylo Ren says, looming above him, “I know you only ever think about yourself. You are cold, and heartless, and you use others like pawns to get what you want. Don’t think you can fool me this easily.”

“I can’t believe you,” Hux says, quickly losing his cool. “I came to your quarters to apologize, only to be told that I’m a monster. Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t mean a word of it. You’ll never be half of what Darth Vader was.”

“Get out,” Ren threatens, his modulated voice low. “Before I throw you out.”

Hux doesn’t need to be told twice. He leaves Ren’s quarters, and spends half the night stewing. When the memory of Ben finally comes to wrap him in the sweet embrace of sleep, it is quite a relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux has nightmares more often than he’ll admit. He can’t get the image out of his head of white-hot flames licking Ben’s heels, blood dripping down his forehead as Kylo Ren raises his lightsaber, red like fury.

Hux has nightmares more often than he’ll admit. He can’t get the image out of his head of white-hot flames licking Ben’s heels, blood dripping down his forehead as Kylo Ren raises his lightsaber, red like fury. Sometimes he wakes up sweating and shouting, heart rate sky high, begging Kylo Ren not to kill Ben. He’ll only come back to reality as his ears register the thump of Millicent jumping off the bed in displeasure.

He’s dreaming about the Jedi school in flames again tonight. Hux may not have been with Ben at the moment he died, but his vivid imagination more than makes up for that. In his dream, Ben is slumped on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, coughing. His lightsaber has rolled over near the doorway, out of his reach.

Hux reaches for it, but with a jolt of pain, he freezes where he stands, unable to move. He realizes that Ren is strong enough to stop a human body in motion, as easily as if he were a bullet.

The lightsaber lifts up and flies behind Hux, and he hears the sound of it igniting, then that constant low thrum that signifies that both he and Ben are in danger.

“Hux, do something, please,” Ben pleads, his brown eyes wide and trusting.

Hux struggles, but can’t move; Kylo Ren is too strong. Hux can’t save Ben. He can’t stop this from happening. Dimly, part of him realizes that this has already happened. It’s in the past, and nothing will stop Kylo Ren from ending Ben’s life.

“I can’t help you,” Hux says, looking at the floor, and hates himself.

Kylo Ren raises Ben’s lightsaber, and Hux hears a frenzied pounding that grows louder and louder.

“Ren, don’t!” he cries out, and the sound of himself shouting wakes him up.

The pounding doesn’t stop. It’s someone at his door, he realizes hazily. Slowly, as his brain wakes up, he lifts off the covers on his bed and makes his way barefoot to the door.

He finds Ren pacing outside, panting. He’s wearing his helmet but not his gloves, and his palms are stained red with blood. Hux feels his jaw tense at the sight.

“What’s happened?” Hux asks, bracing himself for the worst.

“The Resistance pilot evaded our attempt to capture him,” Ren says, pushing past Hux into Hux’s quarters and turning on the light.

“And this couldn’t wait until the morning?” Hux says, with a burgeoning annoyance. “Also, I don’t know where you got the idea that you’re welcome in my quarters, but you’re wrong.”

“They’ll find Skywalker,” Ren says, continuing his pacing. “I’m not strong enough for this. Not yet.”

“Ren, if you want me to think of a solution to this, I need to fuel my brain with sleep,” Hux says. “You barging into my quarters at fuck all in the morning makes that a little bit difficult.”

“I thought you never slept,” Ren says, stopping and turning to stare at Hux. “Why else would you always look half dead with exhaustion?”

Insulting Hux’s appearance is low, even for Ren. Hux sends a glare his way.

“Your critiques of my appearance aside, it is utterly inappropriate for you to be here,” Hux says. “We’ll discuss the matter at 0600, no sooner. Now go.”

“Inappropriate? I think it’s more inappropriate for you to be calling out my name during the night,” Ren retorts.

Hux freezes.

“I can explain that,” he says intelligently.

“I’m sure you can. I’d love to hear it,” Ren challenges, stepping closer.

“I was having a dream that you did something especially infuriating on the bridge,” Hux replies. “You — you defied a direct order. So I naturally shouted your name.”

“Really, general?” Kylo Ren says, chuckling a little as he sits down at Hux’s desk, making himself at home. “I knew I frustrated you, but I never thought I annoyed you so much as to end up in your dreams. I think I’ll take this as an accomplishment.”

“It’s not a recurring dream,” Hux says, getting tired of this whole conversation. “This was the first time I’ve dreamt about you. Now, I mean it. Leave my quarters at once.”

“I’m beginning to like it here,” Ren says, leaning back in the chair. “I’ll leave when you tell me how we can find the pilot.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Hux says, growing angrier by the second. “You have no authority over me. You’re not even part of the First Order.”

“Go ahead,” Ren says. “Call some Stormtroopers to escort me out of here. I’ll wait. Then I’ll wring their necks.”

“I, personally, will escort you out, then,” Hux says, firmly grabbing Ren’s arm and trying to drag him to his feet.

Ren, who is a great deal more muscular than Hux, doesn’t budge.

“Don’t you fear me, general?” Ren purrs, drawing a finger down Hux’s arm. “I could wring your neck, instead.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Hux says. “You need me alive to help you in your quest to kill Skywalker.”

“And you’d do good to remember that’s the reason I haven’t killed you yet,” Ren says, finally rising to his feet.

He walks to the doorway, then stops and turns around before he opens the door.

“The _only_ reason. Stay out of my way, and maybe you’ll make it to the end of the year alive,” he says, then walks through the doorway.

Hux shivers.

He settles back down in his bed to sleep away the remaining hours before his shift begins, but sleep doesn’t come easily. Seeing Kylo Ren so often isn’t good for him, especially now that Ren is fixated on Luke Skywalker; especially now that the damned force user is threatening him. All he can think of is Kylo Ren plunging the blade of his lightsaber through Ben’s heart. When Hux finally does sleep, it isn’t restful.

* * *

The hunt for the Resistance pilot isn’t going well, to say the least. Even if Hux wasn’t belng briefed on this daily, he would be able to tell simply from the amount of damage that is cropping up around the Finalizer. Consoles are broken beyond repair, datapads are destroyed, and Kylo Ren is generally making Hux’s life a financial nightmare.

When yet another repair request pops up on his datapad for Kylo Ren’s quarters, Hux is livid. He has already approved two repair requests for Ren’s quarters in as many days; more damage is simply unacceptable. It is a repugnant waste of First Order funds and resources. Kylo Ren is the last person Hux wants to talk to after the way their last conversation went, but sometimes, enduring unpleasant things is necessary to make a change.

He marches down to Ren’s quarters that night and raps on the door three times, hard.

“Who is it?” Ren asks, in that smooth, low, unmodulated voice that makes goosebumps raise on Hux’s skin.

“General Hux,” Hux replies, standing up straighter.

“Just a moment,” Ren sneers, disgust evident in his voice.

Ren appears, wearing more clothing than last time, thankfully. He’s wearing his helmet and the bottom layers of his outfit, black pants and suspenders over a very cropped shirt. It leaves part of his thick chest bare, and Hux tries very hard not to stare.

“Let me see the damage,” Hux says, striding past Ren into his quarters.

Ren’s quarters look the same as they did the last time Hux saw them: sparse and clean. Hux wanders through the rooms, perplexed.

“It’s in the refresher,” Ren says. “And you didn’t have to come yourself. I thought you’d send another droid.”

Hux steps into the refresher, and finds the mirror that should be above the sink shattered into hundreds of different pieces on the floor.

“Disgusting,” Hux says. “We will need a droid to clean this up. Why the mirror? Were you angry with yourself? You should be.”

“And if I was?” Ren says, testily.

Hux stops cold.

“You?” he says incredulously. “Angry with yourself? You’re the cockiest person I know.”

“We all have our secrets, Hux,” Ren says.

Hux thinks about his own secret, his giant secret. He figures that if he can hide the fact that he betrayed the Order by entering a relationship with a Jedi-in-training, Ren can hide the fact that he dislikes himself. He wonders if Ren’s family was as cold as his own, if he grew up with the same low self-esteem that Hux did. For the first time, he feels a stab of empathy for Ren.

Hux puts a hand on Ren’s shoulder; he holds his breath, but Ren lets him.

“None of this is your fault,” he says. “You’re not in this fight alone. If the Order can’t find the map to Skywalker, that is the Order’s fault as a whole, and not yours.”

“Thank you,” Ren says awkwardly, and clears his throat. “I just. I feel like this is my battle. I’m Vader’s successor, and this is my legacy.”

“It’s my battle as much as yours,” Hux says. “Killing Skywalker isn’t about the Dark Side versus the Light Side. I care nothing for the Force, and I want him dead as much as you do. It’s about politics, Ren.”

“You don’t understand,” Ren says, passionately. “Ridding the world of the Jedi is my destiny. Snoke knows it, and he trusts me to do it.”

“If it’s really your destiny, you’ll do it no matter what. That’s what destiny means, Ren,” Hux says. “It means you can’t fail.”

He takes a step forward, and realizes belatedly that he is now very close to Ren. He doesn’t step back.

“I didn’t think you really believed in things like destiny,” Ren says softly.

“I do,” Hux says, and thinks of his future as Emperor. “I’m on my way to fulfilling my own destiny as we speak.”

“Then again, I didn’t think you could be this nice to anyone. This is a surprising change in attitude, general. Can I expect that you’ll comply to my every wish now, and stop snarling at me when you think I’m in your way?”

Hux sighs, and takes his hand off Ren’s shoulder. As soon as it came, his empathy for Ren is gone.

“Of course not,” he says. “You’re still impossible, whether you like yourself or not. And you’re wasting the Order’s credits when you destroy property like this. Next time, express your feelings of self-hatred some other way. Don’t you Force users like to meditate? Do that. Don’t continue to make my life hell.”

“I think I’ll keep making your life hell whether you like it or not,” Ren says, and laughs harshly.

* * *

Hux has trouble sleeping that night. It’s strange to view Kylo Ren as a human, as someone who has doubts and insecurities. It’s strange to think that he killed Ben out of a desire to do good by ridding the world of the Jedi, and that maybe he isn’t at fault for what he did.

Maybe, just maybe, Hux can forgive Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the last, because I've been busy. I'll try to keep them a little longer than this in the future.
> 
> The fact that this story is now tagged "Emperor Hux" doesn't mean that Hux will necessarily become Emperor. It just means that he's trying to get there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux grows closer to Kylo Ren, and deals with developing sexual feelings for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to write this chapter! I'm naturally a slow writer, and I've been very busy with work.
> 
> This chapter features a rather submissive Hux, but I like to see Hux and Ren both as switches, so the tables should turn soon.
> 
> Note that this story's rating has changed to explicit. If you like the story but don't want to read explicit material, skip the first segment of the story (and start reading at "Hux avoids Kylo Ren for as long as he can.") All you missed was Hux having a sexual dream about Kylo Ren. Then, stop reading at "There’s a silence, and Hux realizes that Ren can, and likely will, get him into a lot of trouble over this. He swallows." I'll explain in the end notes what you missed.

That night, Hux has a new dream. He dreams about Kylo Ren on top of him, Kylo Ren and his chiseled chest and sturdy thighs, working himself slowly on Hux’s dick.

“Stars, Ren, faster,” Hux says, panting.

“Beg me,” Ren demands through his modulator.

“Please,” Hux says.

There’s no thought; he just says it. In the morning, when he analyzes this dream, he’ll be ashamed. But now, in the moment, he just wants more of that sweet, tight heat, wants more of Ren.

Hux wakes up with sticky sheets like some teenager, feeling absolutely mortified.

What would Ben think, if he knew that Hux was fantasizing about the man who killed him? It isn’t right, isn’t moral, to think about sleeping with someone who killed the only person in the universe you’ve ever truly loved. True, Hux has never been one to hold himself to morals, but it seems different somehow, with Ben. Ben is sacred.

* * *

Hux avoids Kylo Ren for as long as he can. This is difficult to do at first, given that his and Ren’s quarters are practically next door to each other. But Hux takes to leaving his quarters very early in the morning, and returning as late as humanly possible at night. He’s used to getting very little sleep, and besides, the loss of sleep is worth it if he doesn’t have to see Ren’s helmet and start having flashbacks to the dream.

He even considers spending a night or two in Phasma’s quarters — platonically, of course — but he decides against it when he realizes that Phasma wouldn’t leave him alone until she found out why he was avoiding his own quarters. She’d force him to confront Ren, probably, which Hux refuses to do.

Avoiding Kylo Ren while Hux is at work proves to be more difficult, but he’s up to the task, delegating work to others and avoiding the bridge as much as possible.

What Hux doesn’t consider is that Ren is a force user.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Ren says, from behind Hux, as Hux is walking briskly down a hallway near the interrogation chambers.

Hux swivels around, eyes narrowed.

“Well, you’ve been following me,” he accuses.

“Guilty,” Ren says. “Now tell me why you suddenly don’t want to be around me.”

Hux shrugs.

“You don’t seem to have a very good memory, Ren; I’ve never wanted to be around you. From day one, I’ve avoided you like the plague.”

Ren steps closer then, getting into Hux’s space. Hux swallows, trying to keep his eyes on the helmet and not on the body he’s been fantasizing about.

“I can take the answer from your mind, if I so choose,” Ren says. “It’s in your best interest to tell me the truth.

“You wouldn’t dare use your mystical abilities against the leader of the First Order. You would pay,” Hux says, glowering.

Hux hears a garbled sound from Ren’s vocoder that he thinks is maybe a gasp.

“Let me remind you that you don’t lead the First Order. The Supreme Leader does. What you just said is treason,” Ren says darkly.

“And?” Hux asks, shrugging lightly.

He doesn’t care much for the Supreme Leader, and he doesn’t care who knows it. He’ll be emperor himself, one day, and he’ll make a far better leader.

“And that gives me reason to look into your mind, to find out if you’re conspiring against Supreme Leader Snoke.”

“You’re being utterly ridiculous,” Hux starts to say, but then Ren is reaching out his hand and Hux feels a strange heaviness in his head, like a migraine without the pain, weighing him down.

Images come to his head, unbidden. He sees a lot of things, very fast, in heartbeats: eating breakfast this morning, feeding Millicent, talking to Phasma about her latest plans for the Stormtroopers, reprimanding Mitaka for being late to this morning’s meeting.

He sees a night he cried about Ben, sobbing in his bed, tears running down his cheeks — “how _dare_ you,” Hux grits out — sees himself jerking off, fast and hard, to Ben’s memory.

“That Jedi really got into your head,” Ren remarks. “I’m surprised you of all people would hold onto a crush for that long.”

“He wasn’t just some crush,” Hux says. “He was the love of my life.”

Ren starts, then, stepping back and getting out of Hux’s space for once. The heavy feeling in his head disappears.

“You’d really say that? You’d call a Jedi padawan the love of your life? _You_?”

Even through the vocoder, he sounds absolutely shocked.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Hux says, “And don’t you dare tell Snoke. This happened a long time ago. I’m fully loyal to the Order now.”

“But you still love Ben,” Ren says. “Snoke needs to know this about you. You’re a liability.”

Hux shrugs again.

“I assume he already does know. He’s a force user; he can read minds.”

“You really don’t know anything about the Force,” Ren says. “Not every Force user has the same powers. My power, the power to read minds, is very rare.”

“Ben could read minds, too,” Hux says. “That makes at least two of you. I don’t think it’s as rare as you assume it is.”

“Trust me,” Ren growls. “Snoke doesn’t have that power. He can read emotions, and certain very strong thoughts, but he can’t read minds, at least not yet. But he trusts you. He needs to know that you would have compromised the Order over some disgusting padawan’s love.”

Sirens run through Hux’s head when he hears that: Snoke has the power to demote or even kill him, destroying his life’s work. He needs to stay alive long enough to use Starkiller Base. No, he needs to stay alive long enough to become emperor. He has to stop Ren from going to Snoke at all costs.

Ren could easily kill him, too. Offering him a bribe would likely just make him angry. But maybe there’s something else Hux could offer… he’s often thought to himself that Ren couldn’t be straight. Maybe it’s time to test his theory.

“I could, ah, convince you not to tell him anything,” Hux says, stepping closer, putting a hand on Ren’s broad chest.

Hux hears Ren’s sharp intake of breath, even through the mask.

There’s a silence, and Hux realizes that Ren can, and likely will, get him into a lot of trouble over this. He swallows.

“I won’t say a word,” Ren says, and then he is unzipping his pants and taking out his already half-hard cock, right there in the hallway.

“Are you mad? We can’t do this here,” Hux hisses, and he pushes Ren into a supply closet and closes the door behind them.

It’s uncomfortable at first, pressed up against Ren in almost total darkness, boxes digging into his back. He’s not sure what to do with his hands, or his mouth, since Ren is fully clothed and still has his helmet on; Hux can’t even kiss him. But then he realizes that he’s not here to make out with Ren, the way he made out with Ben as a sex-crazed teenager. He’s just here to get Ren off, and Hux intends to get him off well.

Hux doesn’t give himself time to really think about this, to regret his decision at all. Instead he drops down to his knees and gives Ren’s cock a few good pumps with his hand to bring it to full hardness.

By some miracle, Ren’s cock is just the way Hux imagined it, just like Ben’s. It’s long but not impossibly so, with a nice girth to it, and while there is a prominent vein, it somehow adds to the attraction. Hux feels himself hardening in his jodhpurs.

“Hurry up, general. Anyone could choose to use this supply closet, and you wouldn’t want to be caught in such a subordinate position, would you?” Ren says mockingly.

“You have no right to order me to hurry,” Hux says, but he gives the head of Ren’s cock an experimental lick anyway, then takes the first few inches into his mouth.

Ren tastes good, clean and a little salty. Hux hollows his cheeks and takes more in, starting a slow rhythm.

“Oh, stars, yes,” Ren purrs. It’s strange to hear tones of pleasure coming from Ren’s vocoder, from the mechanized voice that Hux has come to associate with anger and rage.

Hux speeds up his rhythm, taking him in so deep he gags. Ren’s hands settle in his hair, gripping hard, as Hux brings a hand up to gently play with Ren’s balls.

“When did you get so good at giving head?” Ren breathes.

Hux finds it an odd question. It’s not like he’s ever given Ren a blowjob before. But he erases the question from his mind as he focuses on what he’s doing.

His own cock, now fully hard, is demanding attention, and he tries to undo the button on his jodhpurs with one hand. At least his eyes have adjusted to the darkness, so he can see what he’s doing.

“Use both hands,” Ren says, and Hux is already forgetting about the button and moving his hand toward Ren when Ren continues, “I want to watch you get yourself off.”

Hux undoes the button and pushes his jodhpurs and boxers down, still sucking Ren’s cock, still keeping up a fast rhythm. He and brings his other hand down to palm his own cock, spreading the precum around. He’s overly aware of Ren’s eyes on him, boring down on him in the darkness through his mask.

Somehow, it feels more intimate having Ren watch him jerk off than it does sucking Ren’s dick. Ren’s dick in his mouth is part of a transaction, but Ren watching Hux was never part of the deal. Hux can feel his face flushing, knowing that Ren’s eyes are on his cock, knowing that he is wanting.

“This is the secret that you were keeping from me, isn’t it,” Ren says. It’s not a question.

Ren says, as Hux begins pumping Ren’s cock in earnest, taking him deep, “You were avoiding me because you craved me, because you wanted to taste my cock and feel it thick inside your mouth.”

Hux moans around Ren’s cock. He shouldn’t like this so much. He shouldn’t even be doing this, kneeling in the dark in front of the man who is his greatest rival, the man who killed the only person Hux ever loved. But it’s so good he feels himself shaking, feels another spurt of precum leak out the tip of his cock.

He’s close, now, moaning freely, losing all pretense of dignity. He’s sucking Ren’s cock faster and faster, in time with the hand that’s wrapped around his own cock. The thrill of this excites him: Hux isn’t the kind of person who generally falls to his knees in a dirty storage closet where anyone could find them, anyone could hear their moans.

Ren’s hands clench in his hair hard, pulling the strands. He moans deeply, too loud, and starts fucking Hux’s mouth, hard and fast.

“God, Armie,” he shouts when he comes.

Hux starts, choking down the cum he’d been intent on swallowing. He comes off of Ren’s dick coughing.

“Sorry,” Ren says, offhand, reaching down and wiping the corners of Hux’s mouth.

“You’re sorry?” Hux asks, pushing his hand away and quickly buttoning up his jodhpurs. “No. You cruelly used my past against me in the midst of passion. Do not underestimate the love I felt, and still feel, for Ben. It’s not something I want to roleplay.”

“I wasn’t roleplaying,” Ren says. “I just – I, uh, thought it was a cute nickname.”

“It’s not just a cute nickname. No, you did this deliberately. You know the significance that name holds for me. I thought you were better than this, and I was wrong,” Hux says, jaw clenched, standing up.

“Wait, Hux – “ Ren says, but Hux has already swung open the closet door and left.

Hux never did get to come.

* * *

Later, in his room, Hux pumps his cock furiously, remembering the weight of Ren’s cock on his tongue, the saltiness of his precum. Damn him, he thinks, for getting into Hux’s head like this when all the man wants to do is make Hux suffer. When Ren has the gall to bring up Ben, which he has to know is a very sore topic, in the middle of sex. It was like he was trying to get under Hux’s skin, goading him.

But Hux can’t stop thinking about the quiet gasps and moans that Ren had made as Hux had worked his length with his tongue and his throat; and the way Ren had gazed down at him, fingers gripping his hair tightly, clearly wanting.

Hux comes hard with a cry, and as he comes down from his orgasm, he realizes he has a problem. He has to stop this obsession with Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped the sexual content, you missed Kylo Ren agreeing to sleep with Hux in exchange for not telling Snoke about Ben. During sex, Kylo Ren says the name "Armie," which leaves Hux angry and convinced that Kylo Ren is purposely using his past with Ben to heckle him. Hux makes him leave, but worries about his growing obsession with Kylo Ren.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux finally finds out Ren's secret. Ren isn't pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be shorter than most, but I'll make up for the missing word count later. Note that I've changed this from a ten-chapter fic to a ? chapter fic. Things might wrap up sooner than I expected, but we'll see.

In the dream that plagues Hux for the next few months, Ben stands in front of him, an older Ben, fully a Jedi now. His eyes are wide and tearful, dark hair framing his face wildly.

“You can’t leave me for the man who killed me,” he says, sounding crushed, hand on the hilt of his lightsaber.

“You’re dead,” Hux tells him cooly. “I can’t leave you if you’re already gone.”

Ben takes a step forward, pleading.

“You said we’d stay together forever, and I thought you meant it,” Ben says. “I meant it.”

“I think about you every day, you know,” Hux says, truthfully. “But there’s a point where it’s healthy to move on, and I reached that point years ago.”

“Fine,” Ben spits. “Move on. Just not with him. Anyone but him.”

“I’m afraid I can’t control that,” Hux says.

Ben looks right into Hux’s eyes, and brandishes his blue lightsaber.

Hux wakes up in a cold sweat, hating himself. He hates that opening his heart – or even just his legs – to Kylo Ren means he has to give up Ben forever. He can’t continue to love someone while he’s sleeping with that person’s killer; it would be too painful. He doesn’t want to lose his memories of Ben, but he can’t deny that he’s curious about Ren, and that he liked what happened a little too much.

He can’t sleep after that, and he shows up on the bridge at 0600 in a daze, with heavy dark circles under his eyes, trying to forget about his dreams.

* * *

Hux sees Ren very little while he is busy with Starkiller Base. He thinks about him, certainly, as he gives his speech promising the end of the Republic. He scans the audience as he speaks, looking for Ren’s trademark black hood, disappointed when he can’t find it.

He wonders if perhaps his success with Starkiller has changed Ren’s continually low opinion of him. It’s hard to admit, even to himself, that he tires of their constant fighting, that he’d like to have Ren on his side. That he’d like, even, to have Ren in his bed, with no pretenses of bribing him this time.

But on the rare occasions when he does see Ren, Ren just taunts and insults him, and refuses to stop breaking consoles with his ridiculous ancient weapon. It gives Hux a headache that aches constantly in his temples; he has to wonder at his own taste in men.

Everything changes the day Starkiller Base falls, the day Snoke sends Hux to retrieve a broken and bloody Kylo Ren.

Hux is out of breath, and his fingers are frozen raw even inside his gloves. He’s shivering in deep shudders, not protected by anything more than his greatcoat, and everything is happening so fast.

He finds Kylo Ren lying on the ground, possibly dead, hopefully dead – please please not dead, he thinks fervently. There’s a big, bloody scar bisecting his face, and he’s so young, younger than Hux expected, and —  
suddenly all the air catches in Hux’s throat, and he freezes.

Kylo Ren has a familiar jawline and a nose that Hux would recognize anywhere, a face framed by dark curls that he’s most definitely run his fingers through before. Kylo Ren is older, yes, but he’s _Ben_.

He’s Ben who Hux interlaced his fingers with as they lay back in the long, whispering grass and watched the stars. He’s Ben who pressed his warm body against Hux’s and breathed hot into his ear as they shared a twin bed, three in the morning, to a soothing orchestra of insects chirping. He’s Ben who held Hux tight, like he would never let him go. He’s Ben who told him in no uncertain terms that Hux would never see him again.

“Hux,” Kylo Ren slurs, feebly reaching out an arm, eyes fluttering open then closing again.

Hux swallows.

He’s Ben, yes, but he’s also the petty, cruel Kylo Ren who threatened to tell Snoke that Hux had had a relationship with a Jedi-in-training. He’s the Kylo Ren who allowed Hux to blow him in exchange for not passing on this information, and who used his own relationship with Hux as leverage.

He feels anger rising in his chest, feels his heartrate increasing. He could kill him right now, Hux knows, and it would be easy.

He imagines himself slapping Kylo Ren, hard, on the side of his face that is newly scarred. Imagines the satisfying mewl of pain Ren would make.

Hell, Hux wouldn’t even need to kill him. All he’d need to do would be to leave this childish man where he lies on the ground, staining the snow crimson. Snoke can’t read minds; he could tell the man that he never found Kylo Ren, and Snoke would believe him, would have to believe him.

“Hux,” Kylo Ren says again, sounding broken.

He makes eye contact with Hux, staring for a long moment, looking absolutely pitiful.

Hux can’t do it. He can’t leave Kylo Ren here, despite how badly Kylo Ren hurt him, despite Kylo Ren lying about his identity to Hux this whole time. Because Kylo Ren is also Ben, and Ben is Hux’s weakness.

* * *

“You can go now, sir,” the medic tells Hux. “Your fingers are still healing, but the frostbite should be gone by morning.”

Hux looks down at his frostbitten fingers, wrapped in gauze and bacta gel. His hands are the last thing on his mind.

“I’ll stay,” Hux says. “The Supreme Leader instructed me not to leave his side.”

“Let’s hope he doesn’t wake up, then,” the medic says, with a knowing wink.

Even now, as angry as he is with Ren, Hux rather wants to throttle the medic. Kylo Ren can be immature and annoying, yes, but he’s not the nuisance everyone thinks he is. Of course he’s not: he was Ben, after all.

True to his word, Hux doesn’t leave Ren’s side. He doesn’t wait with him out of compassion; he’s waiting for Ren to wake up, regain his senses, and explain himself.

He spends a long night sleeping on the cramped chair in Ren’s Medbay room, finally drifting off to sleep only to wake up at the beeping of the droid that comes to check on Ren once an hour. That damn annoying droid, Hux thinks, rubbing his temples. There’s not enough caf that can save him from this utter exhaustion.

He has the eerie sense of being watched; he turns and finds Kylo Ren, finally awake, staring at him.

“Hux,” Ren says. “It was you who saved me. I thought I was hallucinating.”

“I should have left you there in the snow,” Hux says, frowning.

“I’m sure you wanted to when you saw my face. Are you surprised, general?” Kylo Ren asks, smirking.

Hux swallows, throat dry. It’s so strange to see Ben’s face on Kylo Ren’s body; to see the boy he loved become the man he hates.

“I never thought you, of all people, would have turned to the Dark Side,” he says, finally, derision edging into his voice. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Yes, well, you never knew me as well as you thought you did, Armie,” Kylo Ren says, watching for Hux’s reaction as he uses the familiar nickname.

Hux steels his expression, hoping he is giving little away. His eyes automatically turn to Kylo Ren’s lips, still upturned in a gentle smirk.

“You verge on insubordination,” Hux says coldly. “Even though we may share a past, I am your general now. You will address me as General Hux.”

Kylo Ren laughs outright at that, harshly.

“Pity that I’m not part of the First Order, and am not bound by your rules,” he says, voice low.

“Then should I call you Ben?” Hux asks, standing up and stepping closer.

Kylo Ren stares straight into his eyes, seemingly unhurt by Hux’s remarks.

“Let me get one thing straight,” Kylo Ren says, maintaining eye contact. “No one calls me Ben. No one. As far as I’m concerned, there never was a Ben. As far as I’m concerned, none of those things that you remember ever happened. Do I make myself clear?”

It is almost painful to keep meeting Kylo Ren’s strong gaze, to keep staring into his fierce brown eyes.

“Yes,” Hux says, and he looks down.

“I didn’t show you who I am on purpose. I never wanted there to be some reunion,” Kylo Ren says, quietly, coldness in his eyes. “And I want you to know that I have power over you: I can still tell Snoke that you fell in love with a Jedi-in-training, that you considered running away to live with Ben.”

“Of course you’d go back on your word. Even if you did, he’d never believe you,” Hux scoffs.

“I could tell Snoke that it was your dream to become Emperor, that you believed it to be your destiny and your birthright. Treason against the Order is one thing, but betraying Snoke is worse and you know it,” Kylo Ren says.

“Ren, I was 15,” Hux says. “Every 15-year-old child wants to rule the galaxy. The fact that I wanted to then doesn’t mean I’m planning to kill Snoke and set myself up as Emperor. Snoke knows this.”

“Does he?” Kylo Ren asks. “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

“I’m not going to play your games. I have information on you, too, that I could give to Snoke, but unlike you, I’m not the type to blackmail,” Hux says.

Hux absolutely is the type to blackmail, but he’s grasping for an upper hand, any upper hand.

“You don’t have anything on me,” Kylo Ren says. “Snoke already knows I was training to be a Jedi. What else is there? That I liked to paint my nails black, and I was afraid of spiders?”

“That you loved,” Hux says. “Snoke has told you repeatedly that the only person you should love is yourself, that love for others can distract from one’s cause.”

“Why would you think that I ever loved you?” Kylo Ren shoots back immediately.

His gaze is unflinching. Hux feels overwhelmed, almost drugged.

Kylo Ren says, “Looks like I’ve won this round, Armie.”

Hux doesn’t get a wink of sleep that night, even though he sleeps in his own bed instead of a Medbay chair. It’s a good thing, because it means he can’t dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I keep writing Ren as being so cruel to Hux. Again, there's always time for things to (possibly) change.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first multi-chapter story I've ever attempted. Wish me luck! I don't plot out my stories ahead of time so the number of chapters may change, but I'm planning on about ten.
> 
> Because I work full time and I'm very busy, this is not going to be updated regularly, but I definitely do plan on finishing it. (I still plan on finishing my other story, as well.)


End file.
